Resolving interpersonal conflicts

Let's face it, interpersonal conflicts are inevitable. Even the most skilled of communicators will displease someone from time to time. As the adage goes, you can't please everyone. The difference lies in how the conflict gets resolved. I suppose, more often than not, it goes unresolved, left to be buried by the ethers of time rather than making amends.

This reminds me of an event which occured back in the army. It involved 2 people, let's call them A and B, and then me to a small extent. It all occured when the guard duty roster had just come out.

I cannot remember the exact details of why, but both did not like the dates assigned to them. And eventually they decided to swap the dates of their duties. So life proceeded on as per normal. A went for B's guard duty and reminded B to go for his which was a few weeks away. This is where I come in.

Now a week later, it was clear that B had forgotten the exact date which he was supposed to do on. As A was not in camp at the time, I told him that I thought it was on this certain X date, but also clarified that he should check with the duty roster as I was not a 100% sure. And so I assumed he did.

It turned out he did not. And also it turned out that the date I told him was wrong, his actual duty date was a few days before that. So when he did not turn up for his guard duty, naturally things got bad. A few scoldings from our boss and some heated exchanges between A and B later I learnt the whole story.

To cut the long story short, B accused A of not telling him the correct date, which A vehemently denied. I gave my side of the story too, which apparently reinforced his mistaken notion of the wrong date. Apparently it had turned out that the person in charge of printing the roster was lax in his duty and on that fateful day there was still no roster up yet. In any case, A and B were both punished and given extra duties to do. I emerged unscathed and even got my normal duty reassigned to them as an extra.

After all was settled, relations between A and B only got worse till the end of NS. I suppose the proverbial hatchet never gets buried these days, just thrown out and forgotten. As for me, that incident never really did affect my relationship with A or B, but it left me with a thought. If I had known beforehand how the incident would play out, would I have bothered to try to help out? Also, when miscommunication arises, how should we resolve such issues, (especially in a my word against your word type of scenario where there is no clear correct/wrong)?

Effective communication? Actions speak louder than words.

Yes, effective communication helps us go places (both literally and metaphorically). It helps information be passed smoothly from the source to the receiver, preventing miscommunication. But yet I believe, that fundamentally, effective communication is so much more. What then is the importance? Well, I believe, if nothing else, effective communication makes us all human.

Perhaps I should explain. If effective communication was merely about a 100% accurate transmission of data and information from source to receiver, then why bother. We'd be better off building robots in our stead. Yet, this is not so (thankfully!). Because effective communication is so much more! It is about communicating the things left unsaid (mainly by non verbal means). The tones, intonations and nuances tell us the mood and intention of the speaker. The sense of touch, an arm around the shoulder says "I'm here". The genuine smile says, "I'm really happy to see you". Indeed, actions speak louder than words.

Consider for a moment, when learning a language. I may know the grammar. I may know the vocabulary. But when actually placed in that society, I find I have no clue what the locals are talking about at all. The varying nuances in intonations, the accent and slangs cannot be learnt any other way than by actually experiencing. Being there in the present, understanding the society's culture, how they think, how they feel, these are all part of effective communication, and these are all part of showing our humanity.

So, yes, effective communication can help us land a job, it can help us travel the world, it can help us forge better relationships all around. But fundamentally, its importance for me goes beyond that. It takes more than head knowledge to communicate effectively. It takes genuine interest and may I even go so far to say, love. No matter how hard we try, if we are not genuine, it will show eventually. If we aren't communicating effectively, then perhaps we aren't getting the full human experience.