Let's face it, interpersonal conflicts are inevitable. Even the most skilled of communicators will displease someone from time to time. As the adage goes, you can't please everyone. The difference lies in how the conflict gets resolved. I suppose, more often than not, it goes unresolved, left to be buried by the ethers of time rather than making amends.
This reminds me of an event which occured back in the army. It involved 2 people, let's call them A and B, and then me to a small extent. It all occured when the guard duty roster had just come out.
I cannot remember the exact details of why, but both did not like the dates assigned to them. And eventually they decided to swap the dates of their duties. So life proceeded on as per normal. A went for B's guard duty and reminded B to go for his which was a few weeks away. This is where I come in.
Now a week later, it was clear that B had forgotten the exact date which he was supposed to do on. As A was not in camp at the time, I told him that I thought it was on this certain X date, but also clarified that he should check with the duty roster as I was not a 100% sure. And so I assumed he did.
It turned out he did not. And also it turned out that the date I told him was wrong, his actual duty date was a few days before that. So when he did not turn up for his guard duty, naturally things got bad. A few scoldings from our boss and some heated exchanges between A and B later I learnt the whole story.
To cut the long story short, B accused A of not telling him the correct date, which A vehemently denied. I gave my side of the story too, which apparently reinforced his mistaken notion of the wrong date. Apparently it had turned out that the person in charge of printing the roster was lax in his duty and on that fateful day there was still no roster up yet. In any case, A and B were both punished and given extra duties to do. I emerged unscathed and even got my normal duty reassigned to them as an extra.
After all was settled, relations between A and B only got worse till the end of NS. I suppose the proverbial hatchet never gets buried these days, just thrown out and forgotten. As for me, that incident never really did affect my relationship with A or B, but it left me with a thought. If I had known beforehand how the incident would play out, would I have bothered to try to help out? Also, when miscommunication arises, how should we resolve such issues, (especially in a my word against your word type of scenario where there is no clear correct/wrong)?
It's time for Goodbye
15 years ago
Hi Aaron
ReplyDeleteYour post brought back memories from a distant past (tsk tsk). Anyway, I think you’ve fulfilled your responsibilities as a colleague (and perhaps even as a friend) by clarifying with B that you were not completely sure about the date you provided, and by advising him that he should make the confirmation himself. Of course, you could’ve gone the extra mile by checking the date for him but, by and large, I don’t think you were at fault.
I think the main cause of the conflict was negligence: firstly, the duty roster was not printed on time; secondly, B failed to confirm the date of his duty (knowing the possible consequences of not doing so). You were at worst not a super-duper friend and at best an unfortunate witness of this incident: while you communicated your uncertainty to B, he did not follow up on it.
With regard to your question about resolving ‘my word against your word type of scenario’, my response comes from what I’ve learnt through many expensive mistakes: it pays to keep a written record (as far as possible) of important statements. Always make important enquiries via email, and not over the phone. These days, a receipt is probably more trustworthy than a living, breathing person.
Bing Fu
I certainly hope that if you knew beforehand that you were handing out wrong information, you wouldn't try to "help out". =)
ReplyDeleteI do not believe that there is a solution at all, in the case where a person's words are pit against another, with no other evidence. With respect to your situation, it could even be that both parties were telling the truth, and A did tell B the right date, but B simply cannot recall being told at all. Without hard evidence, there is simply no way to resolve the situation objectively.
Alvin